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Dark and stormy, rain falls onto you for what seems to be a lifetime. A tropic storm or just the rain of your thoughts? That’s where I feel my head to be constantly lately. Over the past weeks my brain and heart were filled heavily with anxiety of being detached. I felt that my head was stuck in a hurricane as the rain that was my thoughts hit my heart. I felt heavy with the inescapable truth that I have to endure and push forward through closure.

What I wonder

My life hasn’t always been messy. I’m a positive person that uses hope as my ally to pull me up. However, recently I’ve found it hard to rely on my ally of hope to find closure. I feel as my options run low to keep my head above the water. How do I recover is the question at hand.

Life with lack of hope and sleep takes a dive on anyone trying to search for something. I feel like I’ve lost so much recently as someone in my life decided to walk. I hope no one has to struggle with what I was dealing with because of this person. It’s probably better for me that they disconnected from me. Years of them supposedly being there for me just to end, to leave me. For years I wondered if they really needed me the way I needed them, but when you quite literally push someone out of your life, I guess it’s no.

Do I accept what’s happened?

I used to lean on them like backpackers lean on fire for warmth. I used to hope that I could bring this bond between us back but I wouldn’t be happy with that. My whole life looking up to them all for this? The storm keeps raging as my thoughts hit like hard winds that destroy homes. I keep wondering, maybe I am wasting my time worrying about them? I look for closure just to see the same result.

In life people sacrifice everything they have to fix what is lost. Is this what I’m supposed to follow? I want to be understood by them and make myself happy. The things I did to get myself here weren’t bad, so why am I being thrown away for it. I’m not going to give everything I have for someone who won’t do it for themself. I certainly won’t fix something they chose to leave. For them just to dump me like Monday’s trash when they said I was needed. Never wanted me then, didn’t want me now. It all came full circle for them.

Coming to terms?

Thinking about it all,  I could be nicer and try to fix the problems we had. But for what? It won’t be different at the end of my day. My hope to bring us to the same house I left, the day everything happened. They gave up, not me. At the end of all this struggle I want to be happy again. I wish for the strength to fight everyday and keep my head on straight for this issue and others in my life. 

Day by day I feel more empty to achieve what I want at this moment. Sometimes I wonder what I even need anymore. Typically these have happy endings with positive outlooks, this one is different. It feels different. To hope one day It’ll be better is all I can hold onto. I feel as if my life should’ve come with a warning. 

Cj Flores is Editor-In-Chief for The Express. Follow him @Cj_mcanfores

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